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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-06-02 04:02:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AshimaN2025
Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople
I refused to to date my friend because of his toxic family?
Trigger Warnings: abuse, religious abuse, financial fraud, physical assault and violence, slurs, addictions, biphobia, antisemitism, entitlement, racism, attempted theft, obsessive behavior, harassment, possible stalking, destruction of property
Mood Spoilers: terrifying
Original Post: May 7, 2025
Note: No real names are used for obvious reasons.
I (30f) have this close friend from college who I will call Marlon (31m). We went to college together, graduated together and we still hangout out on our lunch breaks as our office buildings are just a 5-minute walk away from each other (I have a federal government job and he works for an investment firm).
Back in October last year, I allowed Marlon to move in with me after his girlfriend Paige (29f) broke up with him and kicked him out of her home.
Paige is a Jewish, openly bisexual, liberal, tattoo artist who owns her own tattoo parlor, with her own body being beautifully covered in tattoos and jet-black hair. Unlike Marlon though, asserts herself, is able to stand up for herself and is argumentative at times.
A little backstory and why they broke up.
Marlon comes from a “traditional”, Evangelical family from Mississippi, his family moved here to the Bay Area sometime in 2020, during the pandemic so they can be closer to him, or more specifically so they can get him to better support them. Marlon’s mom is on welfare, her dad is on Social Security and Marlon’s brother Ryan (35m) is unemployed, relying on Marlon and his parents to support them. Marlon’s parents and brother live in a 2-bedroom apartment while Marlon himself as mentioned, now lives in my house but previously lived with Paige.
Marlon’s family is toxic, treating him with little to no respect, constantly criticizing him, while coddling Ryan. They find reasons to gang up on him, criticize him and ridicule him despite the fact, Marlon is the only one in their family to have ever gone to college, pays for their rent, pays their groceries, their internet, their shopping expenses, etc.
During their relationship, Paige and Marlon had this rule that they won’t get involved in each other’s family matters, provided it does not directly affect them.
Paige has repeatedly expressed her concerns to Marlon about his family and how his family treats him but she opted not to push the matter any further because of their agreement and the fact at the time, as Marlon’s family weren’t directly interfering with Paige’s life.
Paige has also generally tried to avoid contact or communication with Marlon’s family as she’s sickened with the way they treat him, when she tries to stand up for Marlon, Marlon himself shushes her and tells her off for raising her voice to his parents. Additionally, in one of the few times Paige has actually met his family, she got into a fight with Marlon’s parents due to Marlon’s mom making snide remarks about her tattoos and demanding that Paige take down the pride flag, Ukraine flag and BLM banner from her parlor.
Marlon’s parents also don’t like the fact Paige owns her own home after inheriting it from her grandfather. This is because his parents believe its “emasculating” that a woman should own her own home and business.
Separately, Marlon also previously once told me how his parents don’t like the fact that Paige is Jewish, as they will “consider” accepting her if she removes all her tattoos (again which covers a lot of her body), stops being Jewish and live the same traditional Evangelical life they raised Marlon and Ryan with. They basically wanted Paige to convert and become a tradwife.
Marlon did a sucky job at standing up for his ex as Marlon tried to remedy this by sheepishly asking her to try covering up her tattoos and taking down the flags from her parlor as a “compromise to keep the peace”. She refused to do so and threatened to break up with him if he kept pushing it.
Note that, Marlon himself is a genuinely kind, intelligent and supportive person who was there for me during a difficult time in my freshman year. When his family aren’t around, he does thrive is very much his own person but since his family moved here to California and get back in his life, it’s like they just sucked the life out of him.
Me, Paige and his other friends have also talked to him about this, urging him to cut them off but he’s just so desperate for their approval and validation that he won’t listen. He just keeps saying things like “maybe if I try a little harder” or “they’re going to change soon”. After a while, it just becomes pointless to even ask.
Things changed when Marlon’s family started demanding more money from him due to his mom’s credit card debt and shopping habits as well as the fact Marlon’s parents used a lot of the allowance Marlon gave them to travel across the country going to campaign rallies during last year’s presidential election.
When Marlon wasn’t able to give his parents any more money, they then went after Paige. Trying to contact her and demanding that as their son’s girlfriend, she had to “pitch in” to support them.
Paige just tried to ignore them at first but things reached a breaking point when Marlon’s mother and his brother Ryan came into her parlor, demanding she give them money. According to Paige, they believed that as she’s his girlfriend, whatever is hers is also Marlon’s and whatever is Marlon’s is theirs, with Marlon’s mom screaming that they need money to pay her debts.
Paige then called 911 when Ryan jumped the c ounter and started trying to pry open the cash register. However, as she was on the phone, Marlon’s mom punched Paige in the face and started trying to grab the phone from her.
Apparently, the barber (who’s friends with Paige) across the street saw the commotion that was happening in Paige’s parlor so the barber and two of his patrons came over to try and help her.
The barber and his friends managed to subdue Ryan and Paige finished her call with 911, as Marlon’s mom started screaming at them, calling the barber (who was pinning down Ryan) the N-word and calling Paige a “Jewish crack wh-re”.
Marlon’s mom and brother were arrested. With Paige telling officers that she was pressing charges as Ryan did just try to rob her place and Marlon’s mom beating Paige did cause her to have a bleeding lip and mild concussion.
As for my personal relationship with Paige, we’re just acquaintances, we met a couple of times at social events including Marlon and do have each other on both Facebook and Instagram but that’s about it. After Marlon talked about their breakup, just out of curiosity, I did message Paige and asked for her side of the story as well.
She asked me to meet up with her at this tea house in Union Square and told me what happened, basically filling in what Marlon left out.
Paige went on to tell me that after she pressed charges and moved to file a restraining order against Marlon’s family, Marlon practically started begging her to withdraw her statement, withdraw the restraining order, tell the police she “made it all up” (despite the fact there was security camera footage which she gave to police) and to just “make peace” as he didn’t want to lose his family. Paige said that Marlon didn’t even ask if she was okay or apologize for their actions.
Because of this, Paige broke up with Marlon right then and there. Marlon did beg her to not leave him but Paige reminded him that he consistently kept picking his family over her, he’s repeatedly failed to support her and that she cannot safely be in his life if his family are in his.
I thanked Paige for sharing her side of the story and apologized for his actions to which she assured me none of this was my fault. However, before Paige left, as I did take in Marlon to let him move in with me, Paige then took my hand and warned me to keep my distance from his family and warned me of Marlon’s mom’s weird obsession with having grandchildren.
When I got back to my house as by this time, he was already staying with me, I admittedly snapped at Marlon, demanding that he apologize to Paige for not supporting her and to stop trying to beg her to get back with him, which he eventually did a couple months later.
I then talked to Marlon about trying to at least set boundaries with his family (as he won’t cut them off completely), pointed out that he earns more than I do but yet, he can barely support himself as he’s basically supporting 3-adults and paying for their debts, their rent, their groceries, and legal bills on his income alone, and he’s lost not only a couple of other friendships but even his girlfriend of 3-years (Paige) because of his relationship with them. He seems to have gotten it but is still having trouble setting boundaries and yes, he’s still paying their debts and bills.
In case you were wondering, I live in my childhood/family 4-bedroom home which they bought in the 90s, my parents moved up to Seattle two-years ago, allowing me to live here provided I’m able to take care of the house expenses myself.
Fast forward to today, it’s been 7-months since Paige broke up with Marlon, he is still living with me, we’re still frie…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1l18j9v/i_refused_to_to_date_my_friend_because_of_his/
Fast forward to today, it’s been 7-months since Paige broke up with Marlon, he is still living with me, we’re still friends but despite that I’m also requiring him to contribute to household expenses like groceries and contributing to the water bill as he is living with me.
A couple nights ago, I was in my living room watching Netflix when Marlon asked me if I’d be willing to go out with him on like an actual date.
Back in college, we did on a few occasions talk about the possibility of dating as in cases where his family is out of the picture, he is a genuinely nice guy and we do spend a lot of time with each other but nothing came out of it at the time.
I then paused the movie to have a serious talk with Marlon, bluntly telling him that if it were just him, by himself, I would be open to it as when his family is out of the picture, he is a genuinely nice guy and reliably supportive. However, I did point out how almost all of his salary goes to supporting three unemployed adults (his family) and I reminded him what happened with Paige.
That said, I asked that IF (big if) we did get together, get married and have kids, how would he support our family while supporting his parents and brother, would he set boundaries with his parents because, previously, when Paige and I did urge him to set boundaries with his family, he failed and lastly, I asked him if we were together, would his parents expect me to support them as well?
Additionally, I’m mixed-race (as my mom is white and my dad is Indian) and Catholic, albeit not very religious. That said, me being non-white may be a problem for them and I don’t share a lot of their views.
Marlon just said things along the lines of he would do his best to try to “balance things” and he’d only expect me to occasionally help out his parents as a compromise to “keep the peace”. He also tried “reassuring” me by saying they wouldn’t mind me not being white provided I agree to live by their rules, at least when they’re around.
Taking a deep breath, I sighed and I told him that unless he fully goes no contact with his parents, not only won’t I date him but that any future relationship he has will be doomed to fail due to how overly involved they are in his life.
I then got up and went to bed, with the two of us not talking about his parents or the two of us dating since that night.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION and MINI UPDATE:
For clarification, no I never intended to realistically planned to date or enter a romantic relationship with Marlon. He and I did talk about it yesterday, and we agreed that while he is attracted to me, he also doesn’t think it’d be a good idea for us to date, mainly because of my skin color and that being a problem for his mom.
Apparently, he briefly mentioned the possibility of us date to his mom who immediately shot it down because I was “too brown” for her. One of the very few times that racism actually worked in my favor I guess.
Also, Marlon is still missing Paige and he told me that he’s been so and so thinking about trying to get back with her. I reminded him that not only should he leave Paige alone but that given his situation, unless he gets serious help first and cuts his parents out of his life, getting into another relationship would be the worst possible thing he can do.
Lastly, yes, Marlon and I do have a written month-to-month lease, he does pay me rent monthly (albeit a small amount compared to other properties in the market) and if I were to cancel its renewal, I’d need to give him 30-days notice.
I along with a couple of our other mutual friends have been urging him to find his own place and try to at least do things for himself, hoping that’d at least start giving him the confidence to start breaking away from his parents but idk.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: Do you charge him rent? If not, you’re making it very easy for him to send funds to his family. If he lived on his own with his own bills then he could start gaining some financial independence to support himself. You are right to not date him, I don’t think he should be dating anyone. He needs to work on himself first.
OOP: Yes. We do have a month-to-month rental agreement and I do charge him a token rental amount monthly.
Commenter 2: You have a 4 bedroom home. Get rid of Marlon before his family decides to invade all that space you have and tries to move in with you, bc he’s been there more than 30 days and now would most likely have tenants rights to stay.
Commenter 3: I get that he was a good friend to you back in your university days, but this guy is a total train wreck. You would have to be absolutely out of your mind to even consider dating him.
Commenter 4: Do yourself a favor and kick Marlon out. This guy and his family are always going to be unwelcome drama.
Commenter 5: This guy needs a therapist not a gf. What a walking red flag
Update: May 26, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)
This is a follow-up to my original story from last month and I’m not sure where to begin because of how messed up this has all been. I should probably rewind and explain how things got to this point.
So, after Marlon’s ex Paige (29f) broke up with him back in October last year, Paige and I have actually started talking, we have become friends and have started going to the gym together. Paige has also recently started dating a guy from our gym who I’ll call Virgil (33m). Turns out Paige and Virgil happen to have gone to the same high school, although, a few years apart.
In the 7-months since Paige broke up with Marlon (31m), he’s been slaving away trying to support his freeloading family, he’s basically been a wreck without Paige, coupled with the constant belittling he gets from his family, specifically about him not earning enough. He also went on to say that he missed Paige supporting and comforting him which she’d usually do every time he had a “negative interaction” with his family.
Despite me and our friend group trying to encourage Marlon to just move on from her, Marlon has kept wanting to “talk” to Paige to try and get her to come back to him. Throughout the 7-months they’ve been separated, Marlon has tried coming over to Paige’s home and parlor to try and talk to her, but she kept shutting him down and Marlon stopped doing that (at least up until recently) after Paige threatened to call the police and get a restraining order against him if he showed up to her place one more time unsolicited.
Marlon has also complained about not being able to support his family’s increasing financial demands, debts, medical bills and shopping habits. Additionally, Marlon’s mom has been badgering him and his brother, about her wanting to have grandkids. That said, as some of you have commented in my previous post, yeah, I’m pretty convinced that one reason Marlon wants Paige back or to a lesser extent, be with me, is because he needs someone to help him support his family as well as to serve a buffer between him and them, as well as being like an emotional support person for Marlon himself.
In late March, Marlon found out that Paige had a new boyfriend as she’s dating Virgil, causing Marlon to panic. He went on a rant saying that he doesn’t want to “lose” Paige, and I reminded him that she already broke up with him, so he and her are done now. Despite this Marlon did try texting, calling and messaging Paige repeatedly, even creating new accounts to do so, as he just wants to “talk” to her and that he believes they can still “talk things out”, but I told him to stop trying to contact her. I even showed him a video message Paige sent me to show to him in which she explicitly told him to stop contacting her.
Fast forward to Saturday, May 17th, I took time off work and was away from home as I went on a date with this guy, I met online who I’ll call Jack (55m) as he took me to his cabin up in the mountains for a week. While there, I received a notification that someone was at the door. It was Marlon’s parents demanding to speak to Marlon. I’m guessing Marlon was away from home at the time because he clearly didn’t answer, so I told them through the doorbell camera that Marlon was probably at work or something and ask what they wanted.
Marlon’s parents basically went on this rant about how disappointed they are in their son for not earning enough to provide for them, as well as them needing more money to pay for Marlon’s mom’s legal bills, gambling addiction and medical bills. Marlon’s dad also mention that he needs Marlon to sign onto and pay for a Denali pickup truck he wants to buy as the truck Marlon’s dad bought himself just got repo-ed.
Marlon’s mom then asked if I was dating or sleeping with Marlon. I told her no, that there is nothing is happening between me and him, plus I also mentioned to her that Marlon told me that she didn’t want me dating her son because I am “too brown” for her liking, so that shouldn’t be a problem anyway. Marlon’s mom then responded, saying that at this point (due to her age and ailing health) she just wants to have grandkids, even if they are mixed-race. I caught my breath and just reminded her that I’m just Marlon’s friend and legally speaking, I am his landlord so, that’s it.
She then said that, if Marlon and I do have s-x, and if I got pregnant, she wants to name our baby, then they left. I was speechless but also felt weirdly sick from that.
On Friday afternoon, as Jack and I were leaving, and I turned it back on (had to conserve battery as I didn’t bring a charger and wanted to avoid distractions) to find multiple missed calls and messages from Marlon, and Tiffany (30f). Jack dropped me off home and as I got inside my house, I found Marlon’s room completely thrashed, as well as the living room to a lesser extent and him just sitting there on the couch, looking more miserable than before.
I asked what happened and basically his parents came back over to my place, Marlon opened the door for them and they basically berated him again for not earning enough money to pay for their medical bills, debts, etc. This basically ended in Marlon agreeing to take out a loan to help finance his family, as well as Marlon and his dad going to a dealership for him to sign on to a truck Marlon’s dad wanted. When Marlon got home, got so frustrated that he started smashing up the rooms.
I then called back Tiffany who’s a close friend of me, Paige and Marlon, and asked her to come over. Tiffany and I then talked to Marlon, comforting him but also urging him again to cut off his parents.
Tiffany pointed out that before Marlon’s parents came here, Marlon was happy, confident, had a happy and stable relationship with Paige, was doing well at his job, but now he’s just a mess. I then also told Marlon about the doorbell conversation I had with his mom, and how his parents are now indirectly starting to affect me as well.
Marlon apologized and said he’ll try to take care of it.
Tiffany (who does come from a wealthy family) did offer to pay for Marlon to go to therapy but Marlon refused, with him saying that he probably just needs to “try something else” to win over his parents, with Marlon still justifying their action by saying they’re “misunderstood”.
I was going to point out that his family seems to have no sense of boundaries, lack basic human decency and have no self-control but at this point, trying to tell him this right now seemed pointless.
Tiffany and I then cleaned up the mess in the living room, while Marlon cleaned up his room.
Later last night, I spoke with Tiffany and Paige on what we can do, Paige recommended something about trying to reach out to his other relatives who may be willing to support him. I’m leaning towards evicting Marlon from my family home but I don’t want to do that just yet until we could find somewhere for him to stay.
I’ll post an update if anything significant changes.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: Why did Jack have your phone and not you?
OOP: I had my phone with me for much of the trip but gave it to Jack later so I don’t get tempted to use it as I didn’t want to get too distracted during a time I’m supposed to be relaxing.
Commenter 2: I’m not gonna lie, I feel like you guys aren’t doing him any favors by doing the equivalent of “soft parenting” your friend, and are borderline enabling him.
From what I can gather through your description, he continuously harassed and borderline stalked Paige. That should’ve been a hard line in the sand, that’s when ultimatums should’ve been made that he needed to get therapy and go no contact with his family or risk eviction. I still think you SHOULD draw that line in the sand with him, as clearly your gentleness with him has done nothing. He’s about to put himself into further misery and debt because of them. For his own good I think you should stage an intervention and slap him with those ultimatums to wake him up, or you should let him fall and learn it the hard way.
Commenter 3: Marlon is still totally spineless and getting worse, you and your friend are cleaning up his messes, and you’re dating someone old enough to be your Dad,
Paige seems to be the only one with a sensible head on her shoulders for just cutting everyone one else out of her life
Commenter 4: You can no longer help Marlon. Marlon is outside your scope.
Marlon and his family aren’t just a dumpster fire, they are Chernobyl and the radiation fallout will trash your life too.
Marlon has made his choice on frequent occasions. As long as you are enabling him, he will use the cushion you are giving him to support his family.
Evict him. Force him to realise that if he ended up unemployed and living on the streets that his mother would gladly steal his benefits and leave him bleeding in an alley somewhere.
YOU have to find the strength to cut ties with Marlon.
When you find a partner, are you going to expect them to support Marlon, and thus his family, as well?
What happens when Marlon’s family realizes that they are not going to be able to get another cent from Marlon? What happens Marlon’s mother and brother decide to accost you in your own home? And steal from you.
You know that this is a distinct possibility, regardless of Marlon’s useless reassurances.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
Yeah after the incident with Paige if he didnt cut his family off there. He will rip a kidney ot lung to stay with them. This is lost cause.
