**I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IsopodSubstantial465** **Originally posted to r/AITAH** **AITAH for removing my fiancée’s friends from the wedding...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-01 04:04:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IsopodSubstantial465

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for removing my fiancée’s friends from the wedding party after they confronted me about my family’s gifts?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: changed letters to names, added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: harassment, possible racism, manipulation, gaslighting, past trauma

Original Post: July 23, 2025

My gf/fiancé (32F) and I (33M) have been together for four years. We met through common friends and after a while of casually hanging out we began dating and now are engaged. She has a core friend group of four people (including her). Two guys, one of whom is her cousin, and a girl, and they have been very close since childhood.

When I had first met the other three, before we had begun dating, they seemed like nice people. Fun to hang out with. But when I was reintroduced to them as her bf, things were different. I knew they were judging me which is fine. I knew there would be a “friends test” I would have to go through. But now four years later, it still feels like I am being tested.

So, for some background. My gf is sweet, caring, empathetic and sensitive. She has been hurt in past relationships. We have spoken about it briefly. She gets upset when we talk about it so I have never pushed her much. But from what I know while she was never physically abused, they were still toxic relationships. May have involved emotional abuse. Considering that, I get her friends being protective.

Early when we were dating and gradually became serious, her friends always found ways to, I don’t know how to explain this, show me my place in her life (if that makes sense). They would whisk her away if we were together, barge into our dates. She shares everything with them so they knew where we were going on dates. The only way I could get her to myself is if I planned a surprise getaway. But how many of those can you do?

When I reached my saturation point, we talked. She has a blind side with them and never noticed what they were doing. After I pointed it out and she saw it happen the next time they did it, she called them out. Threatened to stop talking to them. After a bit of bickering, they relented and apologized. To her. Not me.

Anyway, things got much better after that. Cut to recently. I know she is the one for me. I love her immensely. In my culture, we don’t have the whole proposing with a ring, but I knew she has always wanted that. I picked out a ring that belongs to my grandmother. It is part of a jewelry set. In our tradition, when we get married the new bride is welcomed to the family with the elders presenting her with heirloom jewelry. I know my grandmother will be giving her the remaining jewelry set as a wedding present. My parents and other elders in the family will also be gifting similar things.

The thing is these sets they are traditional. I guess what I am trying to say is that they may be too gaudy by modern standards. My gf loved the ring even though it isn’t like the more conventional engagement rings. I know all these sets she will eventually get she won’t wear. Probably ever. She likes to keep her style simple. But I just thought that gold is an asset, even if she doesn’t wear them, there’re hers for any other use in life.

My gf knows all of this. She never said anything about it. Cut to a week back, the trio came over when my gf wasn’t home. They said that I was being selfish. That under the garb of tradition, I was forcing my gf to accept gifts she doesn’t want. Mind you, we do have a bridal registry set up and I know for a fact many family members, friends and colleagues have already selected items from there.

I told them that what my family gifts to my gf isn’t their business. They said that I was no different from her past partners. I was also being emotionally abusive and gaslighting her. My gf had previously asked me to make her two guy friends my groomsmen. My brother is my best man. And I had agreed to make her happy. But after what they said, I told them then that they were no longer my groomsmen.

When my gf got back I told her what happened. While she agrees that her friends had no right to comment on the gifts my family give her, and she clarified that she does not share their opinion, she does feel I went too far and overreacted by removing her friends from the wedding party. She had always wanted all three friends to be a part of her wedding and my rejection now means that won’t happen. AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA I wonder if the past relationships of your gf were truly abusive or if her friends gaslighted her in believing they were

OOP: This is difficult for me to find out. Like I said she doesn’t like talking about it and the only other way I could find out is if I snooped around behind her back. And I just don’t want to do that to her.

Commenter 2: I’m so sorry this happened. Being a groomsman is an honour- not a right of passage because they are friends of the bride. They have disrespected you and do not deserve the privilege of standing next to you during the ceremony. NTA - choose people that support and love you.

OOP: Thank you for the support. I am determined on not taking them back as my groomsmen and have already reached out to my cousin and a close friend to fill in. They have happily accepted.

OOP on the discussions of gifts with his fiancée

OOP: We have talked about the gifts. When I said elders, it will only be my grandmother, my parents, my uncle (mother’s brother) and aunt (father’s sister) who will be gifting her the heirlooms. Most others will be gifting from the registry. I had told her that if she doesn’t want the jewelry then all the above people will pick something from the registry. The jewelry will simply be kept aside for my sister. She said that while the jewelry isn’t somthing she would usually pick for herself, she still thinks they are beautiful pieces.

I am Indian and sometimes when she attends my family events, she does wear saree. Looks gorgeous and she carries it so well. She says when she attends such events post marriage she could always wear the jewelry then since it wouldn’t look out of place.

I believe her when she says she loves the engagement ring and that she’s okay with getting the heirloom jewelry as wedding presents.

She said she had talked to her friends about the gifts and shown them pictures of the sets she was going to get. She never said she didn’t want them. They assumed based on the fact that they aren’t things she usually likes.

Commenter 3: Your gf does not want to choose between you and her 3 friends. The 3 friends do not want to lose the gf to you. You need to stand your ground! Until/unless your gf clarifies her relationship with the 3 friends, a marriage would be doomed.

OOP: I know if I pushed her to choose she would probably pick me. I say probably only because nothing is 100% sure in life. But I also know it would break her heart to do so. I worry that if that happens she may resent me in later life for being the reason her childhood friendships broke.

Commenter 4: When you two get married the friends should quietly show up less. You say your culture a lot. If your a different race, then believe racism is what’s happening here. Seems the friends are picking on you. Maybe her other relationships weren’t toxic. Maybe the other boyfriends just told the friends off and put them in their place. Besides picking friends, any other flaws your fiance might have?

OOP: I am a different race. I am Indian. I am not sure if race is the issue. While my fiance, her cousin and the non-cousin guy friend are white, the girl in the group is biracial. And in our larger circle of friends, there are people from many different races. That doesn’t tend to be a problem. Her three stooges have always given me the cold shoulder, but I’ve never really gotten racist vibes from them.

While I don’t get along with her core trio, I am on good terms with her family. He parents and younger siblings have been very warm and welcoming. Even her work friends and colleagues are nice.

I am sure my fiancée, like everyone else, has flaws. But not sure how fixating on that will help?

Update: July 26, 2025 (three days later)

Update: AITAH for removing my fiancée’s friends from the wedding party after they confronted me about my family’s gifts?

Buckle up! This is going to be a really long post, so I decided to post the update separately. My first post is here: Original Post

First up, thank you to all the people who shared their support and for the comments that eventually led to a lot things getting cleared up. I knew asking for advice on Reddit is a double-edged sword. While many of the comments were helpful and encouraged to me seek some much-needed answers, others were…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1olemxn/aitah_for_removing_my_fiancées_friends_from_the/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    8 days ago

    Update: July 26, 2025 (three days later)

    Update: AITAH for removing my fiancée’s friends from the wedding party after they confronted me about my family’s gifts?

    Buckle up! This is going to be a really long post, so I decided to post the update separately. My first post is here: Original Post

    First up, thank you to all the people who shared their support and for the comments that eventually led to a lot things getting cleared up. I knew asking for advice on Reddit is a double-edged sword. While many of the comments were helpful and encouraged to me seek some much-needed answers, others were more divisive. But I knew what I was signing up for when I posted here, so I accept that as a part and parcel of the Reddit experience.

    These past few days have been nothing short of a chaotic rollercoaster. So much has happened in such short time, but before I get into everything, I want to make one thing very clear: my gf and I love each other deeply. She is a genuinely good person. I know that my original post may have unintentionally portrayed her in a negative light. The truth is, while she has been incredibly naïve when it comes to her stooges and has often been easily manipulated by them, she has always stood up for me when it truly mattered. Her heart has always been in the right place.

    She did say that I overreacted when I kicked out the guys from the wedding party and she was disappointed that all her three friends wouldn’t be a part of the wedding. But that wasn’t her only reaction. She also agreed that her friends had no right to come into our home and insult me. They had no right to make statements on her behalf about the jewelry, especially since they were false statements. After I changed the groomsmen to my cousin and friend, she supported the decision and did not insist that I take her friends back.

    After the incident, she hadn’t immediately reached out to the trio to talk to them about what they did. She is not a confrontational person. She is not someone who can counter-argue on the spot. So, usually when she knows there is going to be, let’s say, explosive conversation, she usually likes to write down points of what she wants to say. What she would say if XYZ what brought up this point. How would she respond if they said this to defend their action. Like that. She likes being prepared I guess is what I am trying to say. Especially with the trio, cause when such situations arise, she’s usually defending me and our relationship, and its always 3 against 1. I have tried in the past to help her, but I dislike (understatement) these guys enough that if I get involved in their conversations, it just always turns into a verbal spat and that just makes her more stressed.

    Yes, she has missed several glaring red flags when it comes to her friends. But missing red flags does not automatically make someone a bad person. From her point of view, these people were the backbone of her social life. They have been in her life since childhood, and she has always seen them as supportive, protective, and caring. When you are that close to someone for that long, it can be extremely difficult to recognize toxicity. From the outside looking in, it might seem like she was being intentionally blind or refusing to accept reality. But when you’re the one trapped inside that bubble, it is a lot harder to see things clearly.

    I had explained this in a comment on my previous post, but because people kept repeating the same questions, I thought it best to include it here again.

    We have had open conversations about the gifts before. She also told me that she had shown her friends pictures of the jewelry and talked to them about the gifts. She never once said she didn’t want them or didn’t like them. They simply assumed she wouldn’t like them because they were not her usual style. But as it turned out, even that assumption was not innocent. We later found out that it was just another manipulation on their part.

    continued in comments

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      1·
      8 days ago

      Comments 1:

      To those telling me to leave her and run, that is not going to happen. We are not breaking up. But the wedding has been postponed. And here is why.

      A few of you pointed out something I had missed: that the non-cousin guy friend, let’s call him Ray, may have feelings for my gf. To be honest, I always saw the trio as a package deal and never really paid attention to their individual behaviors. But after reading so many of your comments, it stuck in my head. So I asked her directly if there had ever been anything romantic between them. At first, she laughed it off. But when she saw I was being serious, she told me that yes, years ago, right after she had broken up with her high school bf and was about to leave for college, Ray had asked her out. All four of them ended up going to different colleges. She had no romantic feelings for him and said no. She saw him more like a brother. He was upset about it at the time and did not speak to her for a few months, but eventually came around. Since then, he never brought it up again, and she assumed it was just a passing crush and he had moved on.

      We talked in detail about her past relationships. She has dated three guys before me, not counting her high school bf. None of those relationships were long term. The longest one lasted around seven months and took place while she was working abroad on a project. That relationship ended amicably when she returned home. The trio never met him. The other two relationships lasted barely two months, perhaps even less. She told me that in both cases, she genuinely believed things were looking promising and then suddenly, they just stopped replying to her texts and calls. They ghosted her completely. She said it made her feel unwanted and undesirable. And the trio was always there to “help” her get over the heartbreaks.

      She told me that after the breakup with her high school bf and the guy from abroad, she still felt confident in herself. But after getting ghosted twice in a row, she lost a lot of her self-esteem. She said that her reluctance to talk about her past relationship were because she thought that if she told me what happened, I would see the same flaws/problems in her that they did and ghost her too.

      That explained so much about how she behaved early in our relationship. When we first started dating, she was very meek. That is probably the best word for it. She has always been soft-spoken, but back then it felt like she was afraid to be too much or too little. It took her time to feel safe and relaxed, but when she did, she was a completely different person. Warm, funny, and so much more herself.

      Interestingly, she did not introduce me to the trio (as her bf, I had met all four before through mutual friends) until we had been dating for a while. I had met her parents before I was formally re-introduced to them as her bf. She told me she wanted to be really sure about me before bringing me into their circle. She was afraid that if things did not work out, she would end up relying on them again to help her through another heartbreak.

      She admitted she never tried to find out why the guys ghosted her because she was afraid they might say something cruel and humiliating that would end up damaging her self-confidence even more. But one of those exes turned out to be an acquaintance of a friend from my workplace. I know I said I didn’t want to snoop, but after everything I had read and the doubts growing in my head, I needed answers. I reached out to him and asked if he would be willing to meet. He agreed. Right at the start, I told him I held no ill will toward him. I just wanted to understand. What he told me was beyond anything I expected.

      Comments 2:

      He said that he had genuinely liked my gf and saw potential for something long-term. But he decided to pull away because he had been told she had schizophrenia and he felt that he wasn’t prepared to take on the responsibility of being in a relationship with a “lunatic” (his words). I was stunned. My gf does not have schizophrenia. I have been with her for four years and lived with her for nearly two. If she had such a condition, I would know. He said it was her friends, the stooges, who told him that. He even praised them, saying they were good people for warning him about her condition before things got serious. They were the ones who advised him to discreetly stop contacting her and not make a scene by breaking up with her. They told him that because of her condition, if he tried to break up with her in person, she may end up doing something crazy. Hurt him or even off herself. He said he was disappointed that she had tried to hide such a serious condition from him. He warned me to stay away from her. I asked if during the time they were together, did he notice anything about her that would confirm that she was suffering from schizophrenia. He said that while she never showed any “obvious symptoms” he believed that she was ill because why would her friends, ones who were so close to her, lie?

      I just sat there seething hearing such BS. I am glad I had the foresight to record the entire conversation.

      I played the recording for my gf. I knew it would devastate her, but she had to know. And she was heartbroken. She cried a lot. She refused to eat. It was unbearable to watch, but I think it was necessary. She eventually picked herself back up, and together we decided to confront her friends.

      She invited them over, saying there were some changes to the wedding plan she wanted to discuss. I am pretty sure they showed up thinking she was going to call off the engagement or say something equally dramatic after the stunt they had pulled with me. Since she hadn’t reached out to them after the incident, for all I know, they probably thought their stunt had worked. Instead, she told them exactly what the ex had said and asked why they had lied to him. They denied it and immediately tried to blame me, saying I was trying to isolate her and ruin her lifelong friendships. That is when she played the recording.

      Even after hearing it, they still tried to deny it. But she was done playing games. They finally cracked and said that they had always thought she and Ray would make a great couple. They justified their actions by saying that since they had all been friends for so long, my gf was too close to the situation to see how well-suited she and Ray were. They admitted that she had never once said anything bad about the heirloom jewelry. But they believed that if they could create a conflict around it, I would take it personally, because the jewelry was tied to my family and culture, and that would make it a sensitive enough issue to create tension between us, which they could further exploit to draw a wedge. Most of this was revealed by her cousin. Of the three, he seemed at least a bit repentant of what they had done. Had been doing for so long.

      We were both stunned by the sheer level of calculated manipulation. These people genuinely thought they were being good friends. My gf ended the friendship on the spot. She told them to leave immediately and never contact her again. They tried to talk her out of it. She threatened to call the police if they did not leave, and only then did they finally go.

      And that brings me to the last part. Yes, the wedding is postponed. These were her childhood friends. Their families were also close because of the long history. Plus one of them is her cousin, so literally her family. The fallout has caused a major shockwave. Her parents were furious when they found out what had happened and have been fully supportive of her decision to cut them off. They have stood by us.

      • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
        1·
        8 days ago

        Comments 3:

        The news of the three getting booted out of the wedding and our lives immediately spread to our circle of friends. Mostly cause the stooges wanted to spread their lies to gain sympathy. They were reiterating their BS about me being abusive and how I am trying to isolate her by removing them from her life. But a lot of our friends were aware of the shit attitude they had towards me for the longest time and didn’t believe them outright. They reached out to us and we shared our side. Now most of our friends are backing our decision to go NC with them, barring a few who have taken a more neutral stance and even fewer who believe that they were beings idiots but deserve a second chance since they’ve been friends for so long.

        Her younger brother, who is dating the girl’s cousin, also thinks she overreacted. He believes going NC with such old friends was too harsh, especially since their sabotage failed and we are still together, so they deserve a second chance. He is just 21 and an idiot. Neither of us cares about his opinion or the opinion of anyone who says, we’re being too harsh by going NC.

        The trio’s parents, especially Ray’s, have also been creating noise. Turns out, they (Ray’s parents) may have known about what the stooges were doing. They were apparently very enthusiastic about the idea of my gf becoming their future daughter-in-law. That is not happening.

        We have been bombarded with messages over the last 12 hours from friends and family and, of course, the stooges. Most have been supportive. Some judgmental. The trio has been messaging my gf constantly. The last we checked there were nearly 80 messages from them. She hasn’t read any. Says she wants nothing to do with them ever again. If this behaviour continues we will looking into getting a restraining order. Not sure yet if we have the grounds for it. But we’ll see what can be done.

        I think the worst of it is behind us, but the situation is still messy. My gf wants to start individual therapy, and we have both agreed to begin couples counseling. We love each other. We want to do the work. We just need things to settle down a bit more before we move forward with the wedding.

        I think the best part in all of this is that now not only will they not be the groomsmen when we do get married, but my gf has also replaced her Maid of Honor with her another close friend. Not only will the trio not be a part of our wedding party, they have been uninvited from the wedding, along with their families. We might even kick her younger brother out of the wedding if he continues to yap about us overreacting. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

        I feel lighter already, but I know my gf is hurting. She is putting up a brave face now, but it will take some time to get over this. I hope therapy will help, her and us both.

        TL;DR: My gf’s childhood friends tried to sabotage our relationship by spreading lies, including telling at least one of her exes she had schizophrenia. They also tried to stir conflict over heirloom wedding gifts to create a wedge between us. After I confronted an ex and played a recording of his claims, my gf was devastated but confronted her friends, who admitted they wanted her to end up with one of them (Ray). She cut them off completely. The wedding is postponed, but we are still together, starting therapy soon, and planning to move forward—without the toxic trio or their families.

        Edit/s:

        Can’t update an update so lets call these edits or clarifications-

        1. We have indeed gone NC with them but haven’t blocked their numbers yet. We will not be blocking their numbers till next weekend. Just giving them more time to dig their own graves. After that, we will document the messages for posterity and then block them

        2. In due time, we re looking into sending cease and desist letters on the grounds of defamation and slander. Its only been 3-4 days and a lot has happened so fast, we need some time to just calmly think about our next steps

        3. We have shared the recording in a common friends group chat. If that finds its way to social media somehow, well so be it

        4. For all those claiming that this is a fake story, AI post, a creative writing exercise, all because I started the post with “Buckle Up,” to them all I have to say is, Enjoy: https://youtu.be/nzexue59Vv4

        Relevant Comments

        Commenter 1: Wow what an update! I’m so sad for you gf but also glad it’s all out there. Holding off on the wedding until she is in a better place mentally is a great idea. I wish you two the best going forward and I really hope you never have a reason to post an update unless it’s “we got married and it was perfect!”

        Side note. Your gf reminds me so much of myself when it comes to how she handles confrontation. I found out as a late diagnosis that I have ADHD (it presents differently in females and often overlooked) and because of the ADHD I also suffer from Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD) I don’t know if she could possibly be suffering from this but it was so eerily similar how you described how she handles confrontation that I wanted to bring it up. It’s worth looking into. I’ve come a long way since then know that I have a basis for why I react that way to confrontation.

        OOP: Thank you for your well wishes and the suggestions. I’ll tell her about it and maybe she can bring it up with her therapist she starts her sessions.

        All of this in three days?

        OOP: Pretty much. We had most of our discussions the day I posted the first time. I had always known one of her exes was within my circle of acquintaince. I had just never wanted to snoop. But I did. We met up early the next day. It didn’t take that long to get the BS from him. From there things snowballed. We confronted the idiots that night. I wanted to wait a fews days, but she didn’t. Said if she needed to get it all out when she was angry. And now here we are. She took her anger out on them, I am ranting on Reddit.

        Commenter 2: Did you tell the ex that he dumped a nice girl because of some lies?

        OOP: I did. But he didn’t seem to believe me. Just shrugged his shoulders as if to say is wasn’t his problem either way. He spent time with her. Never saw any obvious signs for anything and chose to believe her friends. The way I see it, it was his loss and my gain.

        Could OOP and his fiancée elope instead? No need to have outsiders’ opininos on ruining the relationship

        OOP: Ha! That’s actually a great idea! But I am Indian and it already took a lot to convince my family that we didn’t want a big Indian wedding. I love my culture and heritage but both of us agreed that a simple Christian ceremony would be more ideal for us than 3-4 days of extravagant rituals and traditions. But eloping would disappoint both sets of parents. They have been so supportive of us, so we don’t really want that.

        DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

        THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP