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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-01 04:04:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IsopodSubstantial465

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for removing my fiancée’s friends from the wedding party after they confronted me about my family’s gifts?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: changed letters to names, added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: harassment, possible racism, manipulation, gaslighting, past trauma

Original Post: July 23, 2025

My gf/fiancé (32F) and I (33M) have been together for four years. We met through common friends and after a while of casually hanging out we began dating and now are engaged. She has a core friend group of four people (including her). Two guys, one of whom is her cousin, and a girl, and they have been very close since childhood.

When I had first met the other three, before we had begun dating, they seemed like nice people. Fun to hang out with. But when I was reintroduced to them as her bf, things were different. I knew they were judging me which is fine. I knew there would be a “friends test” I would have to go through. But now four years later, it still feels like I am being tested.

So, for some background. My gf is sweet, caring, empathetic and sensitive. She has been hurt in past relationships. We have spoken about it briefly. She gets upset when we talk about it so I have never pushed her much. But from what I know while she was never physically abused, they were still toxic relationships. May have involved emotional abuse. Considering that, I get her friends being protective.

Early when we were dating and gradually became serious, her friends always found ways to, I don’t know how to explain this, show me my place in her life (if that makes sense). They would whisk her away if we were together, barge into our dates. She shares everything with them so they knew where we were going on dates. The only way I could get her to myself is if I planned a surprise getaway. But how many of those can you do?

When I reached my saturation point, we talked. She has a blind side with them and never noticed what they were doing. After I pointed it out and she saw it happen the next time they did it, she called them out. Threatened to stop talking to them. After a bit of bickering, they relented and apologized. To her. Not me.

Anyway, things got much better after that. Cut to recently. I know she is the one for me. I love her immensely. In my culture, we don’t have the whole proposing with a ring, but I knew she has always wanted that. I picked out a ring that belongs to my grandmother. It is part of a jewelry set. In our tradition, when we get married the new bride is welcomed to the family with the elders presenting her with heirloom jewelry. I know my grandmother will be giving her the remaining jewelry set as a wedding present. My parents and other elders in the family will also be gifting similar things.

The thing is these sets they are traditional. I guess what I am trying to say is that they may be too gaudy by modern standards. My gf loved the ring even though it isn’t like the more conventional engagement rings. I know all these sets she will eventually get she won’t wear. Probably ever. She likes to keep her style simple. But I just thought that gold is an asset, even if she doesn’t wear them, there’re hers for any other use in life.

My gf knows all of this. She never said anything about it. Cut to a week back, the trio came over when my gf wasn’t home. They said that I was being selfish. That under the garb of tradition, I was forcing my gf to accept gifts she doesn’t want. Mind you, we do have a bridal registry set up and I know for a fact many family members, friends and colleagues have already selected items from there.

I told them that what my family gifts to my gf isn’t their business. They said that I was no different from her past partners. I was also being emotionally abusive and gaslighting her. My gf had previously asked me to make her two guy friends my groomsmen. My brother is my best man. And I had agreed to make her happy. But after what they said, I told them then that they were no longer my groomsmen.

When my gf got back I told her what happened. While she agrees that her friends had no right to comment on the gifts my family give her, and she clarified that she does not share their opinion, she does feel I went too far and overreacted by removing her friends from the wedding party. She had always wanted all three friends to be a part of her wedding and my rejection now means that won’t happen. AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA I wonder if the past relationships of your gf were truly abusive or if her friends gaslighted her in believing they were

OOP: This is difficult for me to find out. Like I said she doesn’t like talking about it and the only other way I could find out is if I snooped around behind her back. And I just don’t want to do that to her.

Commenter 2: I’m so sorry this happened. Being a groomsman is an honour- not a right of passage because they are friends of the bride. They have disrespected you and do not deserve the privilege of standing next to you during the ceremony. NTA - choose people that support and love you.

OOP: Thank you for the support. I am determined on not taking them back as my groomsmen and have already reached out to my cousin and a close friend to fill in. They have happily accepted.

OOP on the discussions of gifts with his fiancée

OOP: We have talked about the gifts. When I said elders, it will only be my grandmother, my parents, my uncle (mother’s brother) and aunt (father’s sister) who will be gifting her the heirlooms. Most others will be gifting from the registry. I had told her that if she doesn’t want the jewelry then all the above people will pick something from the registry. The jewelry will simply be kept aside for my sister. She said that while the jewelry isn’t somthing she would usually pick for herself, she still thinks they are beautiful pieces.

I am Indian and sometimes when she attends my family events, she does wear saree. Looks gorgeous and she carries it so well. She says when she attends such events post marriage she could always wear the jewelry then since it wouldn’t look out of place.

I believe her when she says she loves the engagement ring and that she’s okay with getting the heirloom jewelry as wedding presents.

She said she had talked to her friends about the gifts and shown them pictures of the sets she was going to get. She never said she didn’t want them. They assumed based on the fact that they aren’t things she usually likes.

Commenter 3: Your gf does not want to choose between you and her 3 friends. The 3 friends do not want to lose the gf to you. You need to stand your ground! Until/unless your gf clarifies her relationship with the 3 friends, a marriage would be doomed.

OOP: I know if I pushed her to choose she would probably pick me. I say probably only because nothing is 100% sure in life. But I also know it would break her heart to do so. I worry that if that happens she may resent me in later life for being the reason her childhood friendships broke.

Commenter 4: When you two get married the friends should quietly show up less. You say your culture a lot. If your a different race, then believe racism is what’s happening here. Seems the friends are picking on you. Maybe her other relationships weren’t toxic. Maybe the other boyfriends just told the friends off and put them in their place. Besides picking friends, any other flaws your fiance might have?

OOP: I am a different race. I am Indian. I am not sure if race is the issue. While my fiance, her cousin and the non-cousin guy friend are white, the girl in the group is biracial. And in our larger circle of friends, there are people from many different races. That doesn’t tend to be a problem. Her three stooges have always given me the cold shoulder, but I’ve never really gotten racist vibes from them.

While I don’t get along with her core trio, I am on good terms with her family. He parents and younger siblings have been very warm and welcoming. Even her work friends and colleagues are nice.

I am sure my fiancée, like everyone else, has flaws. But not sure how fixating on that will help?

Update: July 26, 2025 (three days later)

Update: AITAH for removing my fiancée’s friends from the wedding party after they confronted me about my family’s gifts?

Buckle up! This is going to be a really long post, so I decided to post the update separately. My first post is here: Original Post

First up, thank you to all the people who shared their support and for the comments that eventually led to a lot things getting cleared up. I knew asking for advice on Reddit is a double-edged sword. While many of the comments were helpful and encouraged to me seek some much-needed answers, others were…

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